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01 January 2016 @ 12:00 am

it be a thing to live somewhere quietly where's a breeze and there's a reason for us to be"
                                                         50 % locked.
Elisa Boularan
15 April 2015 @ 11:20 pm
wasnt quite out of breath as i used to after walking through the bigger park

this auntie who went in the opposite direction around the pond was secretly competing with me and i avoided all eye contact and thought ‘this is not a competition, damnit woman’ but it was when i walked faster

passed by the same uncle who sits at the same spot everyday, i know he has been noticing me

i thought it was going to rain

saw a pale white girl with shades in a dress taking photos of botany

swiftly pretended not to see my ex secondary school classmate

thought i saw the cousin whom i have been avoiding after she tried to lure me into a brainwashed enlightenment course

i thought it was going to rain again

didnt saw the cat that is usually there

annoyed at this group of secondary school students who blocked the way and tried to smoke at the ‘balcony’. 2 boys in homewear and 1 girl in nbss shirt that says empathy, ironically

my playlist wasnt as effective as yesterday
04 April 2015 @ 12:26 am

21 March 2015 @ 01:50 am
i have been reading a lot, even it is lesser than 10 books, that is considered alot for my standard. not magazines but actual books, books with no colourful graphics, thick pages with small letterings. yes me. so i have been visiting the library on somewhat a regular basis like every 2 weeks? i even got a list of books waiting to be read. kudos to me. i shouldn't have gotten lazy and broke the habit after 11yo because after all these years, my grammar still suck. i need to proof read my entries a few times because i will never be able to post one without a mistake.

reading is a really good way to pass time and also, a deceiving way to look studious to my mom. i have became more open to the types of books that i have not read before like poetry, self help etc and came across this particular one that impacted me in a way that it changed my perspective on certain things. not the bible but a philosophy book, it was also my first, i had to go through a few times because it wasn't easy to catch what the author was saying in some of his complex theories.

it's called the The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan watts. he talked "on the illusion that the self is a separate ego that confronts a universe of alien physical objects" using the eastern philosophy vs western beliefs. it's best read with an open mind. it has definitely helped clear up some things that i didn't understand before and it is amazing that a book written in 1966 is still applicable today touching on topics like technology, having issues like racism and so on.

im glad to chance upon this book, it's worth the effort finding the physical form although i have already gone through 1/4 of the pdf file. i had to even wore gloves while reading the book because i couldnt flip a page without worrying getting some infectious disease from its super moudy and yellowish stains.

i would quote the whole book if i could but this is an excerpt:

"To sum up: just as no thing or organism exists on its own, it does not act on its own. Furthermore, every organism is a process: thus the organism is not other than its actions. To put it clumsily: it is what it does. More precisely, the organism, including its behavior, is a process which is to be understood only in relation to the larger and longer process of its environment. For what we mean by "understanding" or "comprehension" is seeing how parts fit into a whole, and then realizing that they don't compose the whole, as one assembles a jigsaw puzzle, but that the whole is a pattern, a complex wiggliness, which has no separate parts. Parts are fictions of language, of the calculus of looking at the world through a net which seems to chop it up into bits. Parts exist only for purposes of figuring and describing, and as we figure the world out we become confused if we do not remember this all the time.

Our resistance to this reasoning is psychological. It makes us feel insecure because it unsettles a familiar image of the world in which rocks, above all, are symbols of hard, unshakeable reality, and the Eternal Rock a metaphor for God himself. The mythology of the nineteenth century lead reduced man to an utterly unimportant little germ in an unimaginably vast and enduring universe. It is just too much of a shock, too fast a switch, to recognize that this little germ with its fabulous brain is evoking the whole thing, including the nebulae millions of light-years away.

I repeat that the difficulty of understanding the organism/environment polarity is psychological. The history and the geographical distribution of the myth are uncertain, but for several thousand years we have been obsessed with a false humility—on the one hand, putting ourselves down as mere "creatures" who came into this world by the whim of God or the fluke of blind forces, and on the other, conceiving ourselves as separate personal egos fighting to control the physical world. We have lacked the real humility of recognizing that we are members of the biosphere, the "harmony of contained conflicts" in which we cannot exist at all without the cooperation of plants, insects, fish, cattle, and bacteria. In the same measure, we have lacked the proper self-respect of recognizing that I, the individual organism, am a structure of such fabulous ingenuity that it calls the whole universe into being. In the act of putting everything at a distance so as to describe and control it, we have orphaned ourselves both from the surrounding world and from our own bodies—leaving "I" as a discontented and alienated spook, anxious, guilty, unrelated, and alone.
04 March 2015 @ 09:02 pm

windows // angel olsen
it took me a while to like angel olsen's singing style, *notice how i say this almost about every band that i didnt like initially but later got obsessed?* yes she is one of them and she writes the most hauntingly beautiful lyrics. they mostly sound sad too. (sucker alert)

cheerleader // st vincent
YESSSS. the joy of singing 'But I-I-I-I-I don't wanna be your cheerleader no more~ '

hold on, we're going home // drake feat majid jordan
again, late to the party. this song is even funnier when someone posted that this is a theme song for people who need to shit desperately but chose to rush home instead of using the public toilet. relateable.

no way out // warpaint
HELLO of course. all of us have waited so long for the studio version. apparently, this song is about some tension between theresa and emily at some point of their friendship (they have been friends since really young). there's actually a part that goes 'she said she said she said.... im sorryyy, soo sorryy' that makes emily want to cry everytime she hears it but they cut it out in here. it kinda suck that they had to shorten from the original 7 mins to a 3 mins, including the best guitar part at the end.

deeper than love // colleen green
i have just found this song earlier today and thought it is pretty self explanatory.

i love laura marling (both her music and her person) to the point that i want to be her because she seems so wise, clever and a little intimidating. i dont think i have ever liked an article so much (or maybe i have a few but rarely) after reading the DIY article of her experiencing loneliness and quarter life crisis. like what? LAURA MARLING? experiencing those? someone who thinks solitude is bliss and have already achieved so much at such a young age didn't know what to do with her life? how is this real?

it turned out that she grew tired of making music and felt that she wasn't good at what she was doing anymore which is also the least expected since she is a lyrical mistress with fucking good guitar skills who performs effortlessly well everytime. And for the past years, it was as if she was on a creative high, throwing album after album at us even we haven't got the chance to properly listen to one. okay actually maybe this could be one of the reasons why.

i just feel that when people whom you think have really got their lives together also went through stuff that you can somehow relate to just make it so, so comforting and it's also inspiring to know how they got out of it. plus, it is a great reminder that everyone is the same.

i can't wait to listen to her new album! i really look up to her, even much more than before and can this woman stop being so impressive every single time? im gonna find a way to watch her live in april/may.
31 December 2014 @ 09:11 pm
it has been almost a year since i have neglected this space. it's the mix of laziness and apathy. well, this year has been pretty mediocre, there were some memorable moments but also some awful ones.

i have definitely learn more about myself. i have tried certain stuff for the first time (picked up the bass after yrs of procastination, got into online business etc), seen so much beauty in nature, been quite comfortable in hanging out with myself (something im proud of cuz i wont be able to do that in the past), enrolled myself into a course that i wanted without parent's financial help and self acceptance. i will not forget my sister's wedding and the time when i have seen the most beautiful sunset. i have also lost quite a bit of blood, earned a few permanant scars from cruising but i dont think i have really regretted cuz the experience of discovering more places outwins it tho i have to admit that i was quite dumb sometimes.

2014 is definitely a shit year in terms of losing way too many innocents lives and learning how cruel the world can be. im grateful for all my cute friends and family. i hope in the next year to come, there would be less tragedies, i would get to travel and see a certain part of the world despite shit kept popping up and me getting out of my comfort zone (that factor has made me decline a few job opportunities). also, i will need to get rid of the bad feelings that has made me lose sleep on certain nights.
08 January 2014 @ 01:59 am
look at that face, that beard

that smile

dont u just want to hug him

his artwork and poetry

most importantly, he got a beautiful, heart aching voice.

08 January 2014 @ 12:58 am

2013 had been one hella fun of a year besides getting the hand foot mouth disease. milestones were made, i got to travel twice, attended freaking amazing gigs, cruised cruised cruised, discovered new hobbies, cafes & restaurants hopping and hung out with the best people. i don't know what this year have for me but i hope i will learn more about myself and also, have a clearer idea of my future. certain people were actually nagging me to get a bf and like why?? think so easy is it.

i have gotten a 2nd hand film camera and i hope it worked and pictures will turn out nice and good because the previous disposable camera i had with my 'good' mac demarco gig pictures in it turned out blank, this is even embarrassing to say, only 3 out of the 27 photos were printed and not to mention that 10 cent refund i got from the deposit like how freaking depressing. felt like i was in some kind of sitcom. i used flash for almost all of the photos so WTF IS WRONG? i dont remember film photography to be so difficult when i was a kid.

btw china wasn't sweater weather, it was winter clothes weather for a cold blooded like me. 1 radiator and 6 blankets, that's how i roll.
17 December 2013 @ 08:09 pm

  1. leaving this hot and stuffy country in less than 12 hours

  2. tumblr ahem crush liked and reblogged my post

  3. awesome visit to sharon's uncle's shop (too much 's)

  4. finally getting warpaint's exquisite corpse vinyl soon

  5. got a pair of comfy uniqlo lounge pants that i could live in

  6. told the annoying bank sales rep at the bus interchange that im going to the airport when he asked the stupidest question of where i was heading to when i was about to take the bus home after buying a new luggage

  7. the luggage went over one auntie's feet while i was trying to escape

  8. she made a loud AHH. oki calm yo boobs, it's an empty luggage

  9. china supermarket and self freezing coke and maybe casino

  10. sweater weather, here i come